Mostaq Shakil

He wakes up on a day full of sunshine, from the bedroom window the crystal blue sky almost consume his heart and mind. What use to be delightful, now completely opposite. Jim noticed the cloudy days in Green Field makes him happy, almost feels like dyeing in a cloudy weather may ease the pain where a day of sunshine is hard to die with.

Often Jim speaks to himself during the time of hallucinations.
‘ I wish I could express all my thoughts in writing, would make me feel much lighter’
‘Would there be a technology in the future when a human brain can be cloned?’
‘Not in your life time, but why bother if you die?’
‘You die with your mind and thoughts, that’s make you unique. If one could colon brains, there would be disaster on the earth’

First it started with counting months, then days, then hours and now Jim is counting minutes. As he surrenders, he feels less sad about his departure. He is to some extent thankful that he was able to plan is departure, he feels good that nothing will fall apart, his wife and children will miss him but will do fine and the business he has been passionate about all his life will sustain through a board running it and his childhood friend, who has also been his deputy, will naturally step-in to manage the business. Jim had the chance to meet everyone he wanted to meet, each of these goodbyes, close or not, were agonizing, he wish even his worst enemy in life didn’t have to go through this. Despite, it was worth relief to be able to personally thank them. Even at some points, Jim started to think he is actually luckier to die this way rather dyeing by an accident unexpectedly. Accidental death is one of highest cause for many to die young. Each of the time such news came around, he was thankful being lucky to be able to survive over sixty years on the earth, where living peacefully every day, seems like miracle.
As his health is derailing from functioning state, Jim thought process has also changed. He often feels like being in illusion, a feeling and mindset that hardly can be self-described. Normal and healthy mindsets are certainly not familiar with this.

He eats very little and most of the time right after eating, he feels disgusted knowing some of the food going to cause pain in the stomach when not processed. He neither has appetite nor desire to eat anymore.

On day six of the derails state of his health he was moved to hospital. Jim stayed in half conscious and felt extreme sadness leaving his own house. He knows that he will not come back to his beloved house and his beloved bedroom. The next moment he felt ok, he just felt time to go and faster is better. All these playing in his head contradicting one mind to other. This is how human mind works, justification of ‘time to go’ throws on his melancholic mind, made him stronger to leave.

Dr. Sen speaks to Jim’s wife and daughter, Suzanne and Lynn, they have arranged prayers and formalities. Suzanne has been calm throughout the time Jim knew he had cancer. Suzanne thought this is the only way to let Jim leave without worry that things going to OK with the family, it is never going to be fine but it is going to be OK. Lynn has never experienced the loss of any family members, she is often numb and also going through self-contradictory loss syndrome. She simply does not know how she will feel once Jim goes away but decided to be with her father every possible moment. While Daniel has been in and out of the hospital, Lynn stayed most of the time at Jim’s cabin unless she had to go to take nap.

Jim holds the hand of the daughter, tries to utter a word, but ended up just moving his finger softly as Lynn holds his hand

‘ Dad, I wish I never left home, I could have so much time with you’
‘I shall make it up, I am going to be here every moment with you, you are going to be ok, dad’
Jim nodes his head

Little after midnight, Jim felt warm air passing his ears. Heart start throbbing in a weary state, he didn’t feel like this before
‘this must be it, this must be it’

Lynn sees the whole departure quietly seating by him. She heard a big breath noise from Jims mouth and then he goes quiet. She looks at the wall clock and press the button for the nurse and drops a big sigh.

There is an extreme pain that Jim felt but next moment his head felt empty. Suddenly Jim feels if he removes his oxygen and saline pipe he may feel better. Immediately, he tried to remove his saline pipe with his weak hand but in vein. Jim then tries hard to think what he planned all these months to think about when he goes but nothing comes in his mind. Only he sees Cotton Clouds around him, lot of cotton clouds…