James Clark woke up with a bad dream in the early morning. Bad dreams come by many forms, most of them are dialect and vague to remember. But today he felt a dry throat when he woke up along with a bad taste in the mouth. He quickly reached to water jar that Susan put on their night stand, he felt a bit better after supplying some fluid in him. James tried to remember what the dream was about. But it was not immediately clear. He sort of remember it saw his daughter Lynn in dream but the strange thing- it was not the Lynn he knows. He saw Lynn is being a 70 year old lady saying something to him and that freaked him out in the dream. It was an awkward dream, no parents probably like to visualize their children at 70s, they always like to see them young and green- that is what parents are used to.

Jim lives in Preston, a small-mid size town in Lancashire. He lived in this town most of his life, growing up in East London and then moved here when he opened his own interior design business. His childhood friend encouraged him to move there when he was in the Lancashire chamber of commerce providing government support to start-up business. Upon starting his business, Jim never looked back, he has been immensely successful in his business all his life and at the age of 65, he still has the passion for it. Jim does not have to work for money but the creativity and passions that comes with his work drives him every day.

Susan came in his life in his early 30s and later daughter Lynn and boy Daniel made his life complete. Subsequently Preston became his home where he built his own place with lot of his top notch touch on the interior design that makes the whole home as part of him. Jim’s bedroom is quite large with extra ordinary high ceilings, different height or false walls and shades were used to put waves on the walls. Right hand side walls are built with thick glasses in and out and heavy magnetic curtains keep the room dark. When the curtains are pulled by a very sophisticated motor, wide blue sky, a lake that holds blue water is one of the most desired views in Preston. In immediate distance, his own garden at the large balcony also generates a sense of fulfillment of creativity. Every morning, he loves to pull the curtains by the bedside remote control and enjoy these view, he does it every day since he built this house, rain or shine, no exception.

‘I have been so fortunate’ Jim tells himself

Susan brings the morning newspaper, ‘Good Morning, did you sleep ok, you have been talking in the sleep’

‘ I had some bad dreams but can’t quite remember’ Jim does not get into details

‘any pain today on the abdomen? Remember, you have to visit Dr. Sen today, at 11:00 AM, I put the reports on the hallway table’

‘It was bad during the middle of night, but i was able to manage it.. yeah I remember, thank you Susan’

‘oh I am sorry, I wish you wake me up when you were in pain’

‘I would have it was too serious, it was just probably from heartburn, I shall speak to doctor today’

‘Come lets have breakfast, I got your favorite fish sausage’

While eating breakfast Jim felts today is beautiful day, he feels spirited morning, bright sunshine, favorite food and not much bad news on the newspapers. This morning may be one of those lucky morning when everything works in favor. Sometimes morning shows the day. Jim has good days and bad days driven by morning fensui that he believes.

By 11:00 AM that morning, the bright favorable morning became worst possible nightmare for anyone at the doctor’s office. Dr. Sen, Jim’s lifelong general physician along with neuroendocrine specialist Dr. Stuart Hobbs were closely looking at the biopsy reports details repeatedly. Dr. Sen.’s face is extremely grim as the second validation of the report came back with no change or challenge to original report. The original report found a malignant neoplasm formed in the tissue of below his Gall Bladder, second report confirmed that there is a 95% chance the tissues are spread. While looking at the report, data and symptoms analysis, as Dr. Sen is pretty convinced what has happened here, he is on stage IV. Dr. Sen closes his eyes, his left hand softly touching his own hair as he is wondering how to deliver this message to Jim. Jim is not just his patient, but a lifelong friend, it is like handing a death warrant to dearest friend.

Once picture perfect happy home enters into a dark cloud, surrounded in depression as expected. Family members and relatives nearby are gathered at Jim’s living room scattered seated and forming arbitrary discussions. Jim quickly moved to his bedroom and shut the door as he tries to absorb the shock. He is given somewhere between two to six months. Since he heard the news he felt motionless, blue sky running in his head, one moment he thinks ‘there must be a terrible mistake somewhere in these tests’ the next moment he thinks of Dr. Stuart’s reputation, and that contradicts that there can be a mistake. Jim is also feeling short in breathing, getting very thirsty at times but can’t drink even trying to take a sip of water. Such physiological impact he never experienced in his entire life. As he goes through the denial and isolation stage, ever strong Jim could not comprehend the fact in his calculation-

‘What would it be, say 60 days, that’s just little above 1400 hours’ Jim sobbing in his mind

‘My dream was to retire in couple of years to take time off, with my hefty savings in life I planned to travel the world, the Africa, the Kenyan Safari, Egypt and Morocco, India and China that some of the friend already have had as they retired early’

‘I was a fool to continue to work on what I thought I loved, each of those projects took months’

‘Meaningless waste of time, those were, no one will remember’ Sigh

‘How many great interior projects in the world mentions the designer’? Many questions plays in Jim’s head

‘I need to stay positive, can’t control things that are not in my control. May be there is a cure, maybe there is a medical university in the world doing research on Pancreatic cancer and has found some cure, if not fully cured, perhaps delay the death? I can do anything to delay it’

At that very moment, Jim remember the news on Steve Job’s death by similar cancer. Demotivated Jims gets into denial again-

‘This is not happening to me, something may come up to rescue, I have always been rescued’ Jim tells himself.

First couple of nights pass in disbelieve, not just for Jim but most of family members. Death is inevitable for everyone but not often one is ready when it really comes. Sometimes love is too strong in family members when vulnerability brings imagination of death. Like a mother loves her child so much that she often wonders if anything happens to the child how she would survive. Jim is a grown up man, had life in his fullest, and yet he is not ready, it is too early to go to unknown clouds. Too much left, too many plans pending to execute.

As the denial and isolation phase runs the first week, Jim knows his remaining time is really short. He spoke to Dr. Sen few times and realized that his functioning time are extremely limited, it is probably three more weeks and then his body may not support his brain to function properly. When pancreatitis goes bad, it will increase denial of food digestions and dehydration, losing weight is already happening. He may not have enough strength to think straight.

To be continued…